Book Suggestion: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

This book was recommended to me by a family therapist friend of mine. The first thing I loved about it is that it's written by a man who has worked with thousands of abusers. And in each case he not only conducted therapy with the abuser, he had personal contact with the victim. This allowed him to see the whole picture and see how manipulative some people can be.

In his book he describes how some men (and women) like to control others. That this is done through tactics such as threats, put downs, controlled outbursts, physical attacks etc. He describes how common it is for a victims to bring up the fact that they were hurt, then it to get twisted around by the abuser who says you deserved it because of something you did. The reality is that what occurred was abuse. In a healthy relationship your partner would care that they hurt you, not brush it off or blame you for it.

While this book dealt very little with sexual assault, I appreciated the insight into the manipulative male mind. There were so many times my rapist made me feel crazy, and would blame me for the torture he inflected on me. "Well if you hadn't ... then I wouldn't have ..." or "I never hit you" as I was covered by bruises he gave me by other means.

He also describes how abusive men tend to be publicly liked and admired. They also come from every walk of life and a childhood of abuse is NO EXCUSE for abusing another. In fact a person who has felt the pain of abuse should NEVER want to inflict that on another.

Web Video Suggestion: How to Practice Emotional First Aid by Guy Winch

“How to Practice Emotional First Aid” by Guy Winch

I was shown this video in group therapy at The Center for Women and Children in Crisis.  At first I hated it (this is a very common response for me) because I thought my trauma too deep, too painful and too personal to be remedied by compassionate inner talk. 

But he gives an example that changed my mind. He tells a story of a woman going out on her first date in years. She meets the man at a bar then he cuts the date short and leaves. She's really hurt and calls her best friend for support. Her best friend says something like "Well, what did you expect?! Your old and fat and who do you think you are wearing that dress?!" I was shocked! How could a friend say something like that when she was so clearly hurting?! Then Guy Winch pointed out that this is how we talk to ourselves. This really hit me. If I wouldn't talk to my friend (or even a stranger for that matter) with my inner dialog, why am I talking to myself like that? No one is going to love and support me like I can. I need to be my best friend, not my worst enemy. 

I appreciated this video as it made me realize the power of my thoughts and inner dialog. I need to think loving and supportive thoughts about me, because I deserve and need it. We all do.

Book Suggestion: Resurrection After Rape by Matt Atkinson

Resurrection After Rape by Matt Atkinson

As I waited for months to get in to see a rape trauma therapist, a counselor at The Center for Women and Children in Crisis recommended this book to me. I ordered it and very reluctantly opened it.  The first thing that hit me was that Matt Atkinson "gets it". It's hard to find people who are supportive of victims, but to find one that is so knowledgeable and understanding ... is quite a comfort.

His book is a great resource for all elements of dealing with rape trauma. He includes definitions, scientific information, lots of examples and exercises. I found the journal questions to be some of the most helpful at getting me to start to look at the rape differently. Asking myself questions like:

• If rape is a form of theft, what did it steal?(p70)
• What do you wish people knew or understood about the rape so that they could help you now?(p82)
• Why do you think victims of rape tend to blame themselves and feel guilty for rape that someone else did to them?(p83)
• How has my life been affected by having to keep my rape inside?(p101)
• When you look back in hindsight, do you see any warning signs of a controlling or abusive personality in the rapist?(p101)
• Complete the following statement "Sex is ..." (p200)
• Do you wish you lived in a sexless world? (p201)

Matt's definition of healthy sexuality made me cry: "Any expression of sexuality that uplifts the human worth of any person involved, and enhances self-worth rather than diminishing it" (p203). I pray we can all experience this and spread this understanding to others.

One of the exercises that really opened my eyes to my inner pain was writing a letter to myself (p61). He asks his patients to write a letter to themselves the day before the rape, beginning with the phrase:

"Dear __________
Tomorrow something terrible is going to happen to you that will change your life. What I want you to know about it is ..."

This self letter makes me weep every time I think about it. It was hard to write, but allowed me to start having compassion for myself and to see me as the innocent victim that I was.

An activity I found hope and strength in was the collage (p92). While I have to admit I was too frightened to make a collage about how being raped made me feel, I did make one about fighting to heal from it. This project in itself brought me joy, as did seeing it hang on my wall.

When I Was Drugged ...

I was 18. He was my first boyfriend, and then my first ex a few days before the incident. He asked me to go for a drive to talk. The first thing I realized was that my words sounded funny. He had asked me a question, and my answer didn't sound right. Then my body felt really heavy. I couldn't push his hands away. Then my vision went black. I came to a couple of times and didn't understand what was going on. My mind frantically thought "How did my clothes come off?" and  "I didn't want this!" and "I would have stopped this before it got this far ... what do I do?!" I didn't understand why my memory was in pieces.

I woke up in the back seat. Then he pulled me out and pushed me into my apartment. He told me "You're a sinner. God hates you and no one will ever love you." I believed him. I blamed my body for failing me and for not stopping him.

I didn't know I had been drugged, and I didn't know I had been raped. I freaked out when I realized "He had sex with me!" But I didn't know rape could happen from someone you knew so I didn't have that term to help me. It wasn't until months later that I learned what rape really was. And I didn't realize I had been drugged. It wasn't until this past year when I started allowing myself to replay the memories that I had buried for over a decade, that I had something to compare the feeling to. The feeling was similar to waking up after having my wisdom teeth out. I was heavy. I could hear what was going on around me but not physically respond. My memory was in pieces. One moment I'm in the recovery room, the next they're putting me in the car to go home. Like that night ... one moment he had me in his lap, the next I'm in the back seat.

As I begun to research more about drugged rape I found a list of symptoms of being drugged. This helped me to realize that it was NOT my fault. My body hadn't failed me. I didn't want sex, let alone with him. He had prepared ahead of time to rape me. This was the first moment I started to let go, a little tiny bit, of the shame and self guilt that I had heaped upon myself. It was his plan. I absolutely remember the soda he brought me, and the weird taste it had.

Since researching this I have learned two important things regarding date rape drugs:

1) There are many date rape drugs out there. And according to the SVU Detective that helped me, they still can't all be detected because there aren't tests for all of them.

2) If you are drugged, while urine and blood tests are best to find the drug in your system, you can use hair analysis to prove it. Even years later. It has to be done usually through a private company, but I wish I had known sooner so I could have had it done for me.

The good news is that public perception is beginning to change. Information and support is becoming more readily available. Also, those that are first responders to victims and beginning to learn more about the trauma a victim experiences and better help. I believe that everyone needs to know definitions of sexual crimes and have easy access to help. Through the love and support of victims we can stop rape.

What have you learned about date rape drugs? Do you think you would be able to tell if you were drugged?

Movie Review: The Hunting Ground

I felt blessed to hear about the showing of The Hunting Ground at UVU. I attended it this past Spring with a friend and was so grateful to see it. As a college rape survivor the stories touched my heart.The movie depicts several real stories of rape on college campuses, the lack of support by universities, and the steps some victims are taking to try and make it better. You can see the trailer here.

(image borrowed from pavingtheway.net)

 

I really wanted to see the film but I was scared to death it would just be one long triggering experience. Thankfully for me it wasn't. My experience was different enough that it didn't return me back to my own trauma. In my case I went to the university police and was told that "It's your word against his there's nothing we can do. You have no evidence." Which in reality was not true at all. That experience with the police made me feel completely alone and reinforced the lie that it was my fault and no one could help me. Thankfully, over ten years later when I went to the police again, this time the city police and not the university police, the detective was supportive. Although similar to the movie, the prosecutor denied filing charges in my case because I didn't have a recorded confession and the jury would most likely blame me for the horrors I experienced.

The film was informative and eye opening. I was grateful to learn about the women trying to End Rape on Campus through fighting colleges with Title IX complaints. After I viewed the film I visited with the counseling department, women's resources, university police, Title IX and Dean's office at my university. While there are many people who want to make changes to help victims, there are some key ones that don't. It really breaks my heart that victims don't know where to go and when they do ask for help, they aren't getting what they need. There have been many times I have screamed out in frustration with tears pouring from my eyes as I pray to change the hearts of key university leaders. You have to care about and love victims to help them. Wishing that the problem would go away doesn't stop rape, it only perpetuates it and breaks the souls of those that have been affected by it. The people who desperately need and deserve help and support.

A moment in the film that impacted me was when victims described calling their parents to tell them, or deciding to never tell them that they were raped. Some parents blamed the victims and others caught the first flight to see them. That moment made me realize how important a loving family is. To know you are loved and have people to support you is huge. And when you don't, the devastating effects of rape are compounded. Unfortunately for me it took months to tell my family and when I did I was told "My daughter's don't get raped" and that it's just something that happens. I was completely alone, with no one to help me. It was awful. And, like a few others in the film, many times I contemplated ending my life.

This film is important and I'm so grateful it was created. And I am even more grateful that is now available for home viewing. Please watch and share with others. You can purchase, rent and share it on iTunes.

Did you see the film? What did you think? What impacted you the most?

Healing Yoga and Dance

I am thrilled to share that UVU is hosting the second Healing Yoga and Dance Class for Survivors of Sexual Assault on November 10th! This has been such a blessing in my life and I am so grateful to all those that have helped to make this happen!

For years I hid the pain and shame of my rape and I thought I was okay. Then one night, over ten years after the experience, things intensified. The occasional nightmares became more frequent. The constant playing of my rape in my head, got louder. The flashbacks happened daily. My anxiety went through the roof and I didn't want to leave the house. So many things triggered me that I couldn't watch T.V., listen to the radio or even read books. I felt crazy and broken, and that everyone around me could see it too.

After months went by and I still struggled, I found The Center for Women and Children in Crisis, I started going to group therapy, told my story to a very professional SVU Detective, got assigned a victim advocate, was put on the wait list for an EMDR rape trauma therapist, and had some really hard nights with my husband holding me. It was incredibly rough on me and my family.

Thankfully things are getting better now a year after my rape trauma symptoms intensified. I am seeing the EMDR rape trauma therapist and taking medication for my anxiety - it has made a huge difference! However, there are still days I have to really work through. I've had to look for other ways to help me heal, learn to love myself, and to trust God again.

One big hang up for me has been trying to love my body, and feel safe in it. I really wanted to take a yoga or dance class but was terrified that the music, moves or attitude of others would just create more pain. So I looked for classes designed for victims of sexual assault and couldn't find any. In my moment of need I reached out to all of the universities and any organizations I could find asking them to create classes for victims. Dean Alexis Palmer, from UVU, responded saying she would like to help. She connected me to her Wellness Program Director, Sarah Graves, who said if I found an instructor they would help with everything else!

I contacted the Rape Recovery Center in Salt Lake City and through the nonprofit group InBody Outreach their patients receive weekly yoga. I contacted this group, and through some heavenly intervention, found a yoga instructor who is trained for helping sexual assault victims and graduated with a modern dance degree! Destiny, from ShaunTea Health and Wellness, volunteered her services.

In September, UVU held the first Healing Yoga and Dance class for Survivors of Sexual Assault. It was amazing! I was shocked by all of the emotion that was being held within my body. With Destiny's instruction I was prepared for the possibility of tears, and she helped adjust me so it wasn't overwhelming. With the addition of the UVU therapist in the class with us, I felt safe. Everyone that was there had pain like mine, it was a safe place to feel and work through grief.

After the yoga I felt lighter than I had in months, it was so freeing! Then we had a modern dance class and learned a traditional African celebratory dance. I loved it! I had to completely let go in order to try the moves, which was terrifying to me. But when I did, I felt joy and happiness I never thought I could within my body. It was an incredibly spiritual experience.

The class went so well that UVU has offered to sponsor more! The next classes will be November 10th and I can't wait! I loved the experience, and I look forward to sharing it with more people! Please share and let those around you know of this incredible FREE healing opportunity. It is for the community, you do not need to be a student, and friends and family of victims are welcome! Contact uvuwellnessprograms@uvu.edu for more information!

What types of things help you heal, lessen the pain and make you feel more whole?

Fighting Rape on College Campuses

I have spent a lot of time praying and pondering how I can help other rape victims avoid the pain that I suffered. But, I have come to realize that I can't. Rape is such an evil and personal attack, the suffering caused by it is going to be enormous and life changing. However, what I can do (what everyone can do) is love and support victims. We can't stop people from hurting one another. But we can love those that have been hurt.

I have some very specific suggestions to universities about how to deter rape on your campus, educate your students, and support victims:

• Openly and publicly ask victims to come forward. Tell them you love them and list the services you offer and how to obtain them.
• Make resources easy to connect with. One step if possible. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help, courage that may only be available once. 
• Have trained staff who are willing and wanting to help. They should understand rape trauma, legal definitions and the community resources available in your area. They should also be aware that healing from rape trauma is multidimensional and includes emotional, legal, spiritual, medical and physical support.
• Actively educate your students and faculty and staff on the proper definitions of the various forms of sexual assault and where to go for help.
• Help victims heal by providing various forms of healing activities including individual therapy, group therapy, art therapy, dance therapy, yoga for trauma victims and opportunities for survivors to serve other victims. Every person is unique, as will be their path to healing. 

And until law makers and universities are willing to ask for victim input and openly support victims, nothing will change. How could it?

In Matthew 22:39 we are told that the second great commandment is "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself." That is what I wish to do, and I believe the only true way we can convey to our community and nation that rape is not acceptable.

Talk Suggestion: Let God Judge Between Me and Thee by Elder Pinegar

"Let God Judge Between Me and Thee" by Elder Pinegar

I loved this talk. It was the only LDS talk I could find that describes rape trauma. He compares it to having your home robbed, the personal violation taking away the safety that was once felt there. He also describes how in a home robbery we do not blame the home, as we should not blame a victim in rape. No one wants to be raped. No one deserves to be raped. It is a violent and intrusive crime.

At the end of the talk he states:
"Perhaps the most significant step that one can take ... is to realize that the innocent victim of a crime is still acceptable before the Lord, that she may still have faith in him, that his concern for her has not lessened, and that her standing in the Church has not diminished. This truth, embedded in her heart, will rekindle within her a confidence in the Lord, in Church leaders, in good men, and in herself, confidence she will need in order to realize her fullest potential."

This statement applies to all men and women who have been raped, molested, and abused. I personally know how hard it is to remind myself that I am loved, wanted and needed when someone treated me as the complete opposite. I have to remind myself that we are on this Earth for a purpose, not just to needlessly suffer. And I know that when I pray to feel God's love, I feel it. He answers my prayers and fills my heart with warmth and love. I was raped, but that is not who I am. It was a horrific crime committed against me that I fight to heal from. With God's help I pray to turn this experience into something positive to help others and I am grateful for men like the late Elder Pinegar who stands up and supports victims of sexual assault everywhere.

Web Video Suggestion: The Neurobiology of Sexual Assault by Dr. Rebecca Campbell

The Neurobiology of Sexual Assault by Dr. Rebecca Campbell

A rape crisis therapist from The Center for Women and Children in Crisis suggested this webinar to me. She knew I was desperately seeking information to better understand myself and what I was experiencing. 

In the webinar Dr. Campbell describes the scientific reasons why sexual trauma memories are kept in pieces, full of incredible detail, but out of order in the brain. She also explains why "freezing" is an automatic life saving response and very common in victims.

I found her research helpful as I realized that I am "normal" and experienced "normal" reactions for a rape victim. It was this webinar that gave me the information I needed to allow me to trust myself and how my mind was putting my memories back together. I stopped fighting and questioning myself and just let the memories flow. Instead of a flash here and a flash there, I began to remember the whole incident. It took faith, patience and a lot of self-compassion in order to allow my traumatized mind to put the horrific memories together. But in doing so, my flashbacks stopped. Through this I found that the most terrifying of my memories was the most difficult to put together, and I had to give myself time to do it.

The talk is long, at times detailed, and heart wrenching. It works out to be about an hour as the last half hour is questions and answers. I'm grateful I listened to it, although, there is one story that she describes that will forever tear at my heart.

Book Suggestion: Return to Love by Anita Stansfield

The summer I was raped I went home from school feeling empty, worthless and unlovable. I didn't understand what had happened to me or what to do about it. I didn't talk about it, just lived in a depressed cloud trying to survive. My sister approached me one day and said she felt like she should give me a book. She handed me a copy of Return to Love by Anita Stansfield. This book was the first step in me gaining my life back.

In this love story the ex-boyfriend saves his former college girlfriend from her abusive husband. It was the first time EVER I read that rape can happen from someone you know, let alone a spouse. It was while reading this that I had the thought "If this can happen in marriage ... in can happen in dating ... HE RAPED ME!" Until that section of the book I had no definition for what had happened to me. I had always believed rape happened in dark alleys by deranged strangers. Not by people you trusted.

The story is a little dark but not overly detailed. It did not trigger me but did provide, I believe, some realities of being in a relationship with an abusive partner and the consequences that can follow. I love good clean romance stories, and I particularly liked this one as she fought to learn to trust and love again. I know my sister was divinely inspired to share the book with me and I am eternally grateful to her and Heavenly Father for knowing what I needed.

Definitions

There are many different definitions on the internet when it comes to sexual assault. I found definitions based on criminal code to be the most helpful to me personally. I wrote these summaries based off of the Utah Criminal Code (U.C.C.). Please refer to the code for more specific information. At the bottom I have included a link to RAINN's list of definitions.

My Definitions...

Rape: When a person has sex, including oral sex, with another person (any penetration) without the victim’s consent. This applies between married individuals and a victim who is unable to give consent for any reason.   (U.C.C. 76-5-402 and 76-5-406)

Object Rape:  Any penetration of the genital or anal opening of another with any object, device or body part (except genitals or mouth) without the victim’s consent. (U.C.C. 76-5-402.2)

Sodomy: Any penetration, without consent, of the mouth or anus of one person by the genitals of another. (U.C.C. 76-5-403)

Consent: An explicit affirmative to engaging in sexual activity. If consent is not given or is unable to be given, for any reason including intoxication or sleep, it is a crime. (U.C.C. 76-5-406)

Sexual Abuse: Touching or forcing someone to touch the anus, genitals, buttocks, or female breast without their consent. (U.C.C. 76-5-404)

Sexual Battery: Intentionally touching through clothing, or not, the anus, genitals, buttocks, or female breast without their consent. (U.C.C. 76-9-702.1)

Kidnapping: Intentionally detaining, restraining or transporting a victim without their consent. (U.C.C. 76-5-301)

Harassment: A written threat against another. (Utah Criminal Code 76-5-106)
Hazing: Any activity where one person intentionally harms, endangers, shames, or frightens a person in order to join a group. (U.C.C. 76-5-107.5)

Human Trafficking (sexual exploitation): Keeping a person and forcing someone to do any sexual activity or aid in the production of pornography . (Utah Criminal Code 76-5-308)

Stalking: A person acting in such a way to cause fear and emotional distress in another. (U.C.C. 76-5-106.5)

Other Definitions....

RAINN.org

Utah County Resources

The following is a list of resources in Utah County that I have compiled for victims of sexual assault. This is not all inclusive, but contains what I have found to be most helpful and ready to assist victims of sexual assault. If you have other suggestions please let me know!

CRISIS NUMBERS

Call a crisis line when you are in distress, need someone to talk to, need advice or want referrals for resources.

911 : Call if you are in danger, need emergency medical help, a crime is in progress or a sexual assault has just occurred.

801-356-2511 : Rape Crisis Line - The Center for Women and Children inCrisis

801-467-7273 : Rape Recovery Center Hotline

800-656-4673 : National Sexual Assault Hotline

801-226-4433 : Crisis Line of Utah County

801-587-3000 : University of Utah UNI Crisis Line

VICTIM ADVOCATES

A Victim Advocate provides free emotional support, crisis intervention, guidance through the legal system, and other resources for victims of sexual assault/rape, domestic violence, stalking, and other violent crimes.

Orem …………………………………801-229-7128

Provo …………………………..........801-852-6375

Alpine/Highland ……………….. 801-756-9800

American Fork ………801-763-3020 ext. 143

Lehi ………………………………….. 385-201-2113

Pleasant Grove ………………….. 801-785-3506

Saratoga Springs .......801-766-9793 ext. 133

South Utah County ………….… 801-465-5224

Springville/Mapleton ..………. 801-491-5545

Sheriff’s Office ………….……… 801-851-8364

POLICE

You can call and schedule an appointment with a Special Victim Detective or walk in to a police station and speak to an officer.

911 : Call if you are in danger, need emergency medical help, a crime is in progress or a sexual assault has just occurred.

UVU Police ……………………….. 801-863-5555

BYU Police ……………………….. 801-422-2222

Provo Police ………………...........801-852-6210

Orem Police ……………………… 801-229-7070

Alpine/Highland…………...........801-756-9800

American Fork …………………...801-763-3020

Lehi……………………………………801-768-7110

Pleasant Grove …………………...801-785-3506

Saratoga Springs ………………..801-766-9793

Springville/Mapleton ………....801-489-9421

THERAPY 

Please make sure to ask for a therapist specifically trained in rape trauma and don't be afraid to try out several to find the right one to help you. Also, a wait of several weeks for the initial consultation is common, but don't let that stop you. Utilize the free groups and crisis lines while you wait.

801-863-8876

UVU Student Health/ Counseling

FREE group therapy for students. Low cost individual counseling.

801-422-3035

BYU Counseling and Psychological Services

FREE group and individual counseling for students.

801-227-5038 ext. 471

The Center for Women & Children in Crisis

FREE individual therapy including CBT and EMDR.  FREE closed therapy group for victims. FREE group therapy for victims and family/support Wednesdays at 5:30pm

801-229-1181

Family Support and Treatment Center

Offers therapy including CBT and EMDR

801-886-8900

Intermountain Specialized Abuse Treatment (ISAT) Center

Offers therapy including CBT.

801-373-4760

Wasatch Mental Health

Offers therapy including CBT and EMDR. Medicaid patients only.

801-785-1169

The Green House Center

Offers therapy including CBT and EMDR. No insurance accepted.

CBT= Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

EMDR=Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (specifically for overcoming trauma)

SELF DEFENSE

These are just a few local suggestions. I personally found R.A.D. classes triggering although I appreciated the skills and information I learned. 

BYU R.A.D. Class…….………801-422-2383

UVU R.A.D. Class ……………. Coming Soon!
FREE Tigress Class………...385-275-5775
Krav Magal Class………….. 801-616-6805

LEGAL HELP

Utah Legal Services …….. 1-800-662-4245

Utah State Bar …...................801-531-9077

Crime Victim Reparations ….800-621-7444

BYU Law Help ................…..801-422-3025