Article on Sex After Rape

I was really excited when the non-profit organization Honey contacted me asking if I could write something on intimacy after experiencing rape. It took me several weeks to ponder and understand how to write the piece. I was definitely inspired and am thankful for how it turned out. I am so grateful for the opportunity!

“We waited until our wedding night to have sex. I dreaded that moment for months. I was so afraid my body would become frozen as it had with my rapist.”

You can read the article here.

The Making of "I am Enough"

In 2014 I approached Sharon Hopkins about helping me write a song. I wanted something that was mine, that reflected the truth of healing from rape and also was something I could sing a long to in order to find strength. She was excited to help share her talents with me.

We sat down and I gave her lyrics that I had written, and it became clear to both of us that I knew very little about lyrics. I quickly researched lyric meter and beats within a song. I learned a lot.

Some of the original lyrics:

I can’t live knowing what was taken

My heart has been strained, it’s now past breaking

What did I do to earn all this pain?

Body and soul used for another’s gain?

Covered by my tears, can’t even breathe

I’m held under by the horror I’ve seen

But I’ll close my eyes to stop the tears

Kneel, calling for help to push back my fears

Chorus:

I am one, but I am all

I’m not alone, I will not fall

Doing everything I can

So it will not happen again

There’s arms of love to hold me secure

Heavenly Power to guide me when unsure

There is a light in the tunnel

An end to the twisting funnel

There’s no more time for me to self-blame

I need to survive the terrible pain

To confront the truth and help it end

Or I know it will happen again

Please don’t let it happen again

Sharon then created a beautiful piece from what I had written, but after sharing it with others there was a problem - it didn't really truthfully reflect what healing was like. It was then that I realized that I wasn't "healed" from my rape experience that occurred a decade before, I had only been hiding it. I put the song aside and focused on me. It was the beginning of a huge healing journey, it's been incredibly painful but absolutely worth it.

In December 2015 I saw an add for the Utah Dance Film Festival and felt very strongly I needed to enter. I was completely baffled. What song would I use? How would I shoot it? How would this happen? It became very clear within a short time that I needed to finish the song had been working on, shoot the video and turn it in.

Sharon and I got together and updated the song with the lyrics changed to more adequately reflect the truth of what this process has been for me. The memories and pain haven't been taken away, but I have been strengthened through my faith in God. You can purchase the song here. (50% of the proceeds go to Helping SAVE)

Final Lyrics

I am Enough
By Hailey Allen and Sharon Hopkins

I can’t breathe knowing what was taken

My heart has been strained past breaking

How can I live with all this pain

Body and soul used for another’s gain

I have learned that I'm enough

I am of worth to God above

I won’t back down, I’ll take a stand

Doing everything I can

No matter what they say or do

Wrong is not right 

And God, He gives me strength to fight

My thoughts return and I'm in pain
Knocked down and broken again

But I can’t live like this

No, I won’t live like this

I get off the floor

And I cry out, I cry out

Pain

I’m in pain

I can’t take it

I won’t make it

God please take the memories away

Pain

I'm in pain

I can’t take it

I won’t make it

Oh God please take it away ….

I have learned that I'm enough

I am of worth to God above

I won’t back down, I’ll take a stand

Doing everything I can

No matter what they say or do

Wrong is not right 

And God, He gives me strength to fight

I have learned that I'm enough

I am of worth to God above

I won’t back down, I’ll take a stand

Doing everything we can

No matter what they say or do

Wrong is not right 

And God, He gives us strength to fight

I talked to Tyne Crockette who is Director of the Utah Dance Film Festival and she offered to help me. She waved the entry fee and gave me suggestions of what programs to use to shoot and edit the film. She even found a friend of her's to dance in it.

We scheduled the shoot date for a Saturday at 4:30pm. That morning I got a call from Tyne that the dancer we had scheduled had become very ill and couldn't come. Without hesitation we both knew it would somehow happen. We moved the shoot to 5:30pm and Tyne's friend Vixy got her message for help and arrived straight from work. She had no time to hear the song or prep, she just did it. And it was exactly what we needed.

 

 

It was my first time writing a song, directing a video, filming and editing. It was such an incredible experience! I learned so much and loved working on something that came from me. The end product I love and was overcome with joy as I saw it on the big screen at the festival.

So many incredible people came to support me and Helping SAVE. I am so thankful!

 

 

The cherry on top was winning Audience Choice!

 

It was such an incredible experience and I am already looking forward to next year! So many people helped to make this happen and I am very grateful to each one of them! Thank you for helping my dream come true and supporting Helping SAVE!