When the Flashbacks Stopped

It had been over ten years and I was still having flashbacks. They'd happen occasionally, but then just before my 30th birthday they increased. I was having them daily. With the increase in flashbacks I was constantly in fight or flight. My anxiety was through the roof. I wasn't living, I spent all day hiding. But how could I hide from what was in my head? They just came out when I was trying to fall asleep, or cooking dinner or watching a movie. I couldn't protect myself from them.

I started to research a little more about flashbacks in Matt Atkinson's book Resurrection After Rape and Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score. Matt teaches:

 Flashbacks feel like hell, but they're not dangerous. A flashback occurs when the subconscious is trying to resolve some conflicted or painful detail about your trauma. ... The trouble is, unless the conflicted memory is acknowledged, fully expressed in your mind, and resolved, it will continue to percolate as a flashback. (p59)

I realized that my mind was trying to show me something. To figure something out I had been fighting against for over a decade. I didn't want to remember, but I had to. At the time I was on several waiting lists to see a rape trauma therapist and having no luck. I was also preparing to go to give my statement to the police, so I needed to remember.

The first thing I did was pray to help me remember. And to let myself remember. Then whenever a flashback occurred I would sit still and let it play. I would have to mentally work to allow my brain to show me the memory. My whole body would fight it. I would become nauseated, shake and cry but I let it happen. I remembered. Then I would go tell someone or write it down. This process allowed my brain to let go of it. Once I did that for one memory, it wouldn't come back as a flashback. But another one would. It wasn't until I had unloaded these memories that they stopped. I never thought they would stop. But they did. It's been almost a year now with no flashbacks, and I am so grateful!

As for the anxiety and triggers I am working through those with my rape trauma therapist using EMDR. But I can testify to you that it is helping. I used to not be able to read a book, listen to the radio or watch TV because I was so easily triggered. Now I love listening to music, and when I hear a song that bothers me I change the station, I don't have a panic attack.

This process is a lot longer and complicated then I wanted it to be. My wounds are also a lot deeper and traumatic then I allowed myself to see. It sucks to realize how much of my life was altered do to the rape, but by looking at it I can now see how much I have healed. I'm very grateful.

Do you have trouble with flashbacks? What has helped you?