We Are a Non-Profit Organization!

Hello. I'm Hailey. I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, and a mother. I am also a college rape survivor. When I was raped I didn't know what to do, where to go or even the proper definitions for what occurred. I want to do whatever I can so that we have the resources and information we need to heal. That is why I created Helping SAVE, to help others as we heal together.

I am very excited to announce that Helping SAVE is now a non-profit organization! We are working on creating a website and other resources to be unveiled soon. Thank you for all of your support as we strive to help as many survivors as we can to find healing from sexual trauma and abuse. 

Ways I Ground Myself

I am always looking for new ways to ground myself when I have anxiety. Today I was in an athletic store shopping for my husband when I saw a pair of basketball shorts the same color that my rapist wore. It didn't matter that they weren't the exact same, it didn't matter that he wasn't in the store with me, my brain sensed a danger and began to protect me. Even now writing this I can feel my heart race as I think of the terror I felt looking at fabric hanging from a clothing rack.

I have had to make a list of things I can do when I feel this way. Talking myself down doesn't work and trying to remember what helps is very difficult when my body is reacting in panic. So here is some of what I use and some links to other suggestions as well as more in depth explanations:

1. "Satan go away!" I say this mentally or out loud. This helps me gain a little more strength and control over my own body. 
2. I pray for help. Just a quick "Heavenly Father please help me!" said out loud or in silence reminds me I am not alone in this.
3. I smell vetiver. Vetiver is an essential oil that can help ground you emotionally. I found this to be incredibly helpful to me. I keep a bottle close and smell it when I am panicked and it helps to sooth me. I also put some on my wrists and behind my ears when I am going to a family event or out in public to help with my anxiety.
4. I use my senses. My therapist suggested I use all of my senses to recognize something where I'm at. For example: I feel the floor under my feet, I smell the lotion on my hands, I hear the noise of a key board, I see the lamp in the corner of the room ... I have also heard this called "Where am I?" For me I use this when I am starting to begin an attack, and to stop it. When the tunnel vision begins I fight back with this tool. Also when I am unable to control dissociation I use this. 
5. I go to my happy place. I have created an imaginary place where I am safe and at peace. It has sights and sounds and textures. When my trauma therapist suggested I do this I thought it was dumb. But I have begun to think of it when I need to feel safe, and it has been a wonderful tool for me. I have also heard it referred to as "My Place". 
6. I take a bath. My husband suggests this when I can't seem to calm down. When I'm on edge for hours and can't work through it. I take a bath with Epsom salt and Serenity essential oil. Sitting in the bath smelling the fragrance helps me to physically release what I have been emotionally working through. 
7. I do a Body Scan. I read a book by Jon Kabat-Zinn and in it he describes how to start at your toes and slowly relax every part of your body. I do this when I'm in bed trying to fall asleep and can't due to anxiety. There is something similar called "Robot" I have heard about.
8. Belly breathing. I have done this in yoga and found it helpful, however I just read that it helps to watch your belly as you do it. To see how you control the air going in and out. Watch it go up and down with your breadths. I need to try this. 
9. Distraction. This used to be my first go to tool, thankfully it doesn't have to be. I found that distracting myself just seemed to push the anxiety deeper within me and it would then create anger on the outside as I struggled to keep it together on the inside. However, I just read of a new suggested distraction technique I am going to try ... saying the alphabet backwards.

In the case of my shopping experience today, I really panicked. I was in a crowded store and unable to deal with what I was feeling. I did belly breathing and tried to distract myself. Then when I got home I smelled my vetiver and prayed. When I have a rough experience that affects me for hours I feel I have to "reset" myself. For me this is taking a shower, bath or nap. This gives me a fresh start from my fear.

What helps you to ground yourself? Have you tried any of these?

Book Suggestion: Believing Christ by Stephen E. Robinson

 (image borrowed from Deseret Book)

My husband suggested I read the book Believing Christ. I had read it several years ago, but needed to read it again now - with what I was struggling with and trying to heal from. The book is wonderful but two quotes stood out to me and touched me.

1) "But only at [the] point when we finally realize our inability to perfect and save ourselves, when we finally realize our truly desperate situation here in mortality and our need to be saved from it by some outside intervention - only then can we fully appreciate the One who comes to save." (p33)

My whole life I had aimed to be "perfect". When I did something mostly perfect I considered it a failure, and if by chance I did succeed in perfection I considered it as only acceptable.  A huge lesson I learned was that we are here on this Earth to learn. We are not expected to be perfect. In fact our Heavenly Father knew we couldn't be. That's why Our Savior gave himself as ransom, so we could learn and grow and improve. Through an instantaneous decision to repent, or pray for help, through the Atonement our whole life can change. This is an incredible blessing. I am more grateful for Christ and his love this year then I have ever been.

2) "In mortality, the Spirit and the body are two separate entities forced to coexist in the same person. The mortal connection between them is both recent and temporary, hence the wrestle and fidget with each other. But in the resurrection the become one thing." (p20)

I loved this quote as it made sense to me. I hate how I cannot stop the way my mind and body reacts to a perceived threat - the terror and anxiety I have from my trauma. But I have come to understand it is doing what it feels it has to, in order to protect me. And this "wrestle" between what I want my body to do and what it does is going to happen the whole time I am here on this Earth. It's part of the lesson we are to learn. So instead of hating my body and mind, I need to strive to understand and work with it. It will not be perfect while on this Earth, but I know it can get better.

Have you read this book? What did you learn? What books help you heal?

Book Suggestion: The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk

 (image borrowed from amazon.com)

My favorite book on trauma is The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing from Trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. . I have learned a lot about myself and others by reading the pages. I have also felt wonderful validation and confirmation to my need to heal. He discusses many different types of healing techniques which I have never heard of. This book helped push me forward to seek out these resources, and if not found, create them. Some "other" types of therapy include:

-EMDR
-Yoga for Trauma Survivors
-PBSB Psychomotor therapy
-Alpha training
-Theater

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the book. Please read it.

- "...if you lack a deep memory of feeling loved and safe, the receptors in the brain that respond to human kindness may simply fail to develop...If that is the case, how can people learn to calm themselves down and feel grounded in their bodies?"(p142)

-  "...the imprints of traumatic memories are organized not as coherent logical narratives but in fragmented sensor and emotional traces; images, sounds and physical sensations." (p176)

- "If the problem with PTSD is disassociation the goal of treatment would be association; integrating the cut-off elements of the trauma into the aging narrative of life, so that the brain can recognize that 'that was the, this is now.' " (p180)

- "If their history is not known then they are likely to be labeled as crazy or punished as criminals rather than helped to integrate the past." (p182)

- "If you have been hurt, you need to acknowledge and name what has happened to you." (p232)

- "After a while most people with PTSD don't spend a great deal of time or effort dealing with the past, their problem is simply making it through the day. Even traumatized patients who are making real contributions ....expend a lot more energy on everyday tasks of living than do ordinary mortals."

- Healing from trauma includes:

1. Finding a way to become calm and focused.
2. Learning to maintain that calm in response to images, thoughts, sounds or physical sensations that remind you of the past.
3. Finding a way to be fully alive in the present and engaged with the people around you.
4. Not having to keep secrets from yourself, including secrets about the ways that you have managed to survive. (p204)

Have you read the book? What are your thoughts? What books help you?

My Thankful Journal

Some days it felt impossible to go on. I felt completely alone, beaten and worthless. What kept me going was my Thankful Journal. I'm not sure how I got the idea (maybe related to the song "Count Your Many Blessings"), but I am very thankful for it.

Even during the darkest times of trying to move on from the trauma I experienced, I would force myself each night before bed to write in my Thankful Journal. At first I made myself write three things. It was incredibly hard. I would sit staring at the page feeling I had nothing to be thankful for. After several days of sitting and staring at a blank page, I started to be more aware during my day. I would take a mental note of the goods in my day: a light turning green when I needed it, a test getting pushed back or a pretty sunset. Then, when I could regularly write down three, I challenged myself to five, then ten, then to fill the page.

It has been 9 years since I started doing this. And it is what helps to keep me going. The days I don't write in it, I feel it. I am grateful for so much and writing it down helps me recognize it, and hold onto it a little longer. I need these memories of blessings to strengthen me and support me through tough days of healing.

I am thankful for this trial of PTSD and all that I am learning about myself and others through it. I have learned that I matter. That my pain is similar to those around me, although we may feel it for different reasons. With the Lord's help I can move forward through this and find some joy everyday. I am so thankful to now know what it feels like to be loved and have eternal worth. I pray we can all someday feel that.