They Gave Up Vacation Time to Help Me

I was devastated. I had been told that the case against my rapist could not go forward due to the statute of limitations in Utah, as it took place before the law changed in 2009. I didn't understand how I could have gone through the agony of coming forward a decade later, letting myself remember the terrible experience and then telling my incredibly personal story to a police detective for it to mean nothing. Without a conviction my rapist is free to hurt others and there's nothing I can do to stop him.

I talked to my therapist about how low I was feeling about the news - I didn't know how I was going to go on. He said I needed to find a way to get my voice back, to end this chapter on my terms. I knew exactly what I needed to do. I prayed a lot and with the support of my husband approached Detective Kent of the Provo Police Department and my Victim Advocate Mary Ellis about helping me confront my rapist over the phone. Even though the case had been declared over, they readily agreed.

The night before the scheduled call we realized that the next day was a holiday. Detective Kent and Mary were not working. I panicked when the call was going to be moved to another day and time. I couldn't do it. Understanding my anxiety, both gave up their personal vacation time. They met me at an empty police station to help me face my biggest fear, hearing my rapist's voice again. Every day I have carried the fear of freezing or collapsing at the very sound of his voice. But with their support I did it! While my rapist didn't apologize for his criminal actions over the phone, I achieved a huge success that day - I got my voice back!

I am incredibly grateful to Detective Kent and Mary Ellis of the Provo Police Department for believing and supporting me. And specifically for their service on that one day that I really needed it. I am also thankful to their families for supporting them in their professional service so much as to allow them to serve me, even on a holiday. I am eternally grateful.

As it turns out my case was later reinstated because in Utah if you have DNA evidence or the perpetrator moves out of state there is no statute of limitations, no matter the year it occurred.  I am very thankful to Ryan McBride of the Utah County Prosecutors Office for reviewing my case and discussing it with me face to face, even though it was decided not to be taken to court. Without the verbal admission of guilt Mr. McBride determined my case wasn't strong enough to press charges. My rapist is still free with no criminal record.

While there are issues within the judicial system that need to evolve so that rapists can be stopped and our communities better protected, I am so glad for the updates that have already been made. The changes in statutes of limitations as well as the training for first responders and other civil servants is making a difference. Their service has made me stronger and helped me to heal because they believed me and supported me. Thank you.

-Hailey

Help Us Raise $400!

I am filing the paperwork to become an official non-profit organization and just need to pay the last fees. We are so close to officially moving forward with our efforts to provide free healing classes and other resources to sexual assault and abuse victims. Heavenly Father loves all of His children and I want to do my best to help others like me trying to heal.

My friend Jackie is a Mary Kay Sales Director and she has offered to donate ALL of her proceeds towards the fees. She is not taking any profit! We just need to collect $866 in orders...which will be a $400 profit (after sales tax) by the end of January.

Do me a favor? Check your bathroom cupboard! What are you running low on? Eye make-up remover? Is your mascara more than 2 months old? Need a new lipstick or two? What about the amazing skinvigorate (similar to clairsonic but a much lower price!) Cleanser? Satin hands? Gifts?

You can order here. Just mention my name (Hailey) when you checkout. Or go to www.marykay.com/jsarager

I am so grateful to Jackie for creating this opportunity to raise the money we need to finish the papers and officially become a full non-profit corporation! My family has donated financially as much as we can towards this and we cannot afford this last fee, but I KNOW as a team we can make this happen. Thank you for being a part of making my dream come true!

Note: If you'd like to donate money directly to Helping SAVE you can through the paypal link on this blog or on our website HelpingSAVE.org by clicking the "Donate" button. 

Thank you!!!
Hailey

Different Types of Abuse

Growing up I was only aware that one type of abuse existed, physical abuse in the form of hitting or beatings. I had no idea about the multiple other forms and as such some became an everyday normal. I felt inside it wasn't right, but the people around me instigated or supported it. I didn't have the knowledge to get help or defend myself until much later on in life. Abuse is never okay. I know it's my fault when I yell at my kids our of anger. The issue is me, they don't deserve to be treated that way. It's my problem that I work hard every day to overcome. So let's all really understand what is not acceptable behavior towards another, and that we deserve to be treated better.

What do you think of our chart. Are we missing anything? What stood out to you?

When the Flashbacks Stopped

It had been over ten years and I was still having flashbacks. They'd happen occasionally, but then just before my 30th birthday they increased. I was having them daily. With the increase in flashbacks I was constantly in fight or flight. My anxiety was through the roof. I wasn't living, I spent all day hiding. But how could I hide from what was in my head? They just came out when I was trying to fall asleep, or cooking dinner or watching a movie. I couldn't protect myself from them.

I started to research a little more about flashbacks in Matt Atkinson's book Resurrection After Rape and Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score. Matt teaches:

 Flashbacks feel like hell, but they're not dangerous. A flashback occurs when the subconscious is trying to resolve some conflicted or painful detail about your trauma. ... The trouble is, unless the conflicted memory is acknowledged, fully expressed in your mind, and resolved, it will continue to percolate as a flashback. (p59)

I realized that my mind was trying to show me something. To figure something out I had been fighting against for over a decade. I didn't want to remember, but I had to. At the time I was on several waiting lists to see a rape trauma therapist and having no luck. I was also preparing to go to give my statement to the police, so I needed to remember.

The first thing I did was pray to help me remember. And to let myself remember. Then whenever a flashback occurred I would sit still and let it play. I would have to mentally work to allow my brain to show me the memory. My whole body would fight it. I would become nauseated, shake and cry but I let it happen. I remembered. Then I would go tell someone or write it down. This process allowed my brain to let go of it. Once I did that for one memory, it wouldn't come back as a flashback. But another one would. It wasn't until I had unloaded these memories that they stopped. I never thought they would stop. But they did. It's been almost a year now with no flashbacks, and I am so grateful!

As for the anxiety and triggers I am working through those with my rape trauma therapist using EMDR. But I can testify to you that it is helping. I used to not be able to read a book, listen to the radio or watch TV because I was so easily triggered. Now I love listening to music, and when I hear a song that bothers me I change the station, I don't have a panic attack.

This process is a lot longer and complicated then I wanted it to be. My wounds are also a lot deeper and traumatic then I allowed myself to see. It sucks to realize how much of my life was altered do to the rape, but by looking at it I can now see how much I have healed. I'm very grateful.

Do you have trouble with flashbacks? What has helped you?

Talk Suggestion: The Comforter by Henry B. Eyring

(image borrowed from lds.org)

When I heard the talk "The Comforter" by Henry B. Eyring in the General Women's Meeting I knew it was for me, and those around me. I was comforted by his words and so thankful for them.

He said "Many are praying to Heavenly Father for relief, for help in carrying their grief, loneliness, and fear." Yes. I pray constantly, frantically for help in overcoming my fear and anxiety. I don't want to have the haunting memories, the feelings of being alone and being broken anymore from my rape. 

President Eyring then said "The burdens His faithful servants must carry in life are made lighter by His Atonement. The burden of sin can be taken away, but the trials of mortal life for good people can still be heavy burdens." This is a truth that I had only recently begun to understand - The Atonement is not just for those who have sinned, but those who have been sinned against. I had been sinned against, and the Atonement could provide relief to me too. 

Then he quotes Mosiah 24:14 :
And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

What hit me about this quote is that it says "I will also ease the burdens .... while you are in bondage..." It doesn't say he will free us from bondage or take away the burdens, He will ease them. It was then that I realized that I shouldn't be upset when after I pray I still have memories, anxiety and fear ... but be grateful that with the Lord's help I can move forward while dealing with these. The crime committed against me and others is so evil that the pain will last a long time and can't be erased overnight. However, with the Lord's help I wont drown in my grief and pain, I can move forward. 

One big goal of mine has been to try to take away the pain of others who have experienced similar trauma as mine. But this doesn't work. I can't take away another's pain. President Eyring said "We lighten the loads of others best by helping the Lord strengthen them." This was clear instruction for me as I realized that I cannot "save" anyone, I do not have that power. But Jesus Christ does. And he is the best to help and love those that have been hurt. 

President Eyring also stated "Only God knows hearts, and so only He can say, in truth, 'I know how you feel.' " Every victim of sexual assault is different, every assault is different. The trauma experienced is personal. My pain is not another's pain and I can only support and love one who is healing from their wounds, I cannot heal for them.

I also had this belief that I couldn't help others until I was fully "healed". But I have realized that is wrong. I can do good no matter where I am in life or in my healing process. President Eyring stated "... you have a feeling to want to help a person struggling to move forward under a load of grief and difficulty. You promised that you would help the Lord make their burdens light and be comforted. You were given the power to help lighten those loads when you received the gift of the Holy Ghost." We all have things we can do to help love one another. And the Lord knows best what we and other's need. The Spirit speaks to our heart and little acts of kindness from one to another can make a huge difference in a person's life. I know this has been the case for me. Someone weeding my yard, calling me on the phone, helping me load my groceries or giving me a hug have helped "save" me on days when I needed help. We can all strive to do that.

Did you hear the talk? What touched you? Do you feel Heavenly Father loves you?

Web Video Suggestion: "Best of Russell Strand: Sexual Offender Behavior"

(image borrowed from roadMedia here)

A college friend of mine suggested I watch this video of Russell Strand. Russell Strand is a:
CID Federal Special Agent with an excess of 38 year's law enforcement, investigative, and consultation experience. Mr. Strand has specialized expertise, experience and training in the area of domestic violence intervention, critical incident peer support, and sexual assault, trafficking in persons and child abuse investigations. He has established, developed, produced, and conducted the U.S. Army Sexual Assault Investigations, Domestic Violence Intervention Training, Sexual Assault Investigations and Child Abuse Prevention and Investigation Techniques courses and supervised the development of the Critical Incident Peer Support course. Mr. Strand has also assisted in the development and implementation of Department of Defense (DOD) training standards, programs of instruction, and lesson plans for Sexual Assault Response Coordinators (SARC), victim advocates, chaplains, criminal investigators, first responders, commanders, and health professionals. He is a member of the Defense Family Advocacy Command Assistance Team and Department of the Army Fatality Review Board. He is also recognized as a national/DoD subject matter expert and consultant in the area of spouse and child abuse, critical incident peer support and sexual violence. (RSP webpage)
 
My friend told me that her husband who excelled in school, was respected in church and volunteered his services at the rape crisis center would come home and rape her at night. She had no one to tell, and when she finally did tell, she wasn't believed. She said by listening to Russell Strand she was able to get support that she needed.

I liked this video and found several statistics very interesting including:
- 95% of males in the U.S. are NOT sex offenders. 5% are.
- 1871 women over the age of 18 are forcibly raped every day.
- 683,000 women over the age of 18 are forcibly raped every year
- 97,000 men over the age of 18 are forcibly raped every year.
- Of 100 rapes: 5-20 are reported to police, 0.4-5.4 are prosecuted, 0.2-5.2 result in conviction, 0.2-2.2 result in incarceration

For me I fall in to the category of forcibly raped at 18, reported to police (twice) and the prosecutor declined my case. Russell Strand points out that a rapist MUST be convicted to be put on the sex offender registry. My rapist, along with many others, is not on the registry even though I came forward. He also points out that the conservative estimate is that every rapist has over 100 victims. So for every rapist that is not prosecuted, not convicted and is free there is a potential for hundreds more victims. I often wonder who else was raped by the same man I was.

My favorite quote is when he asks the audience if you were raped "Would you report it? Who would you report it to?" This question is a hard one to even think about let alone answer. And even though I've gone through it once, it would be incredibly difficult for me to ask for help again.

Russell Strand explains that part of the problem with prosecuting these crimes is how they are approached. He says that police investigations look at how credible the victim is, when that is NOT the way they approach any other crime. Sex offenders tend to pick the most vulnerable and least credible victims for that reason. If a rapist is questioned the offenders usually turn it back on the victim, blaming them.

He says when it comes to rapists, investigators are good at catching "the dumb ones" but that "it's the ones that never get caught we have to worry about." These ones groom and manipulate everyone. They don't show you their inner personas. Only the victims see this. They show you what they want you to see. Their professional or public side. That is why so many rapists get away with their actions because when victims come forward the people close to the accused say that they never could have done that. But how could you know if all they show you is one side of themselves?

Mr. Strand looks at rape as a mental health issue. And I agree to an extent. It is a choice that is made based off a really sick misconception (in my opinion). He also says that there is no such thing as a sexual offender profile or persona. And this is again because of what a person shows you publicly is not who their inner self is. You can't judge a person from their outward looks and public behavior.

I liked this video and I still think there is much need for training on the subject. Unfortunately because the prosecutor felt that my credibility did not outweigh that of the public persona of my rapist he is free to cause trauma to others. The system needs to change and it starts by believing victims and helping them heal.

Did you watch the video? What are your thoughts? How do these statistics make you feel? What do you want to change? How can you help?

Different Types of Rapists

 
This blog is meant to be a place of healing and the information below can be triggering for any victim. However while I was initially triggered by it, I also found it helpful to learn more and realize again that I am not alone and my rapist planned his actions ahead of time. Also I want to share this information so that those not having been directly affected by rape can see that there are different types of rapists. While patterns are there, every rape is different. Stereotypes and judgements are not helpful. Victims are NEVER to blame and desperately need love and support.

The following information is from the book Resurrection After Rape by Matt Atkinson and written with the victim being female and the attacker male, as that is what he found to be most common among his patients.

The Power-Assertive Type: He has exaggerated beliefs about masculinity, and regards sex as the obligation of a woman to him. He commonly meets his victim at a bar or party. He is physically aggressive and is prepared for some type of violence but typically has no intention of murder. He has no hesitation to use drugs or alcohol as a form of control. Begging and crying will not work. He doesn't consider this rape but rather fierce sex and accounts for about 75% of rapes. (p151)

The Anger-Retaliatory Type: This guy is hostile towards woman and wants to punish and humiliate them. His assaults appear spontaneous and vicious but they are deliberate. He is typically quite violent, and his violence escalates as his victim resists. (p152)

The Power-Reassurance Type: This guy lacks confidence with women. He may be using rape to reassure himself that he is indeed "manly". He often uses alcohol to increase his confidence. This is the one most likely to change his behavior when confronted by another male. (p152)

The Anger-Excitation Type: The rarest and most dangerous type. He accounts for about 2% of rapes. This man is usually highly intelligent and very charming, and his crime is methodically planned. He is a repeat offender and his victims may or may not be strangers. He derives part of his sense of power from his ability to gain trust from women before assaulting and injuring them. His entire goal is to inflict as much harm to his victim as he can. (p152)

Matt also says: "So for the record: Rapists do not have a "type" of victim." (p153) And "Since there is abundant research showing that the majority of rapists pre-plan their sexual assault using intoxication, intimidation, and isolation as tools of control it is ... reasonable to conclude that rape is a conscious choice that reflects the values and beliefs of the rapist." (p147)

How does this information change your view of rape and rapists? What can you and we do to help other victims?