Thursday, December 24, 2015

We Are a Non-Profit Organization!



Hello. I'm Hailey. I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, and a mother. I am also a college rape survivor. When I was raped I didn't know what to do, where to go or even the proper definitions for what occurred. I want to do whatever I can so that we have the resources and information we need to heal. That is why I created Helping SAVE, to help others as we heal together.

I am very excited to announce that Helping SAVE is now a non-profit organization! We are working on creating a website and other resources to be unveiled soon. Thank you for all of your support as we strive to help as many survivors as we can to find healing from sexual trauma and abuse. 

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Ways I Ground Myself




I am always looking for new ways to ground myself when I have anxiety. Today I was in an athletic store shopping for my husband when I saw a pair of basketball shorts the same color that my rapist wore. It didn't matter that they weren't the exact same, it didn't matter that he wasn't in the store with me, my brain sensed a danger and began to protect me. Even now writing this I can feel my heart race as I think of the terror I felt looking at fabric hanging from a clothing rack.

I have had to make a list of things I can do when I feel this way. Talking myself down doesn't work and trying to remember what helps is very difficult when my body is reacting in panic. So here is some of what I use and some links to other suggestions as well as more in depth explanations:
  1. "Satan go away!" I say this mentally or out loud. This helps me gain a little more strength and control over my own body. 
  2. I pray for help. Just a quick "Heavenly Father please help me!" said out loud or in silence reminds me I am not alone in this.
  3. I smell vetiver. Vetiver is an essential oil that can help ground you emotionally. I found this to be incredibly helpful to me. I keep a bottle close and smell it when I am panicked and it helps to sooth me. I also put some on my wrists and behind my ears when I am going to a family event or out in public to help with my anxiety.
  4. I use my senses. My therapist suggested I use all of my senses to recognize something where I'm at. For example: I feel the floor under my feet, I smell the lotion on my hands, I hear the noise of a key board, I see the lamp in the corner of the room ... I have also heard this called "Where am I?" For me I use this when I am starting to begin an attack, and to stop it. When the tunnel vision begins I fight back with this tool. Also when I am unable to control dissociation I use this. 
  5. I go to my happy place. I have created an imaginary place where I am safe and at peace. It has sights and sounds and textures. When my trauma therapist suggested I do this I thought it was dumb. But I have begun to think of it when I need to feel safe, and it has been a wonderful tool for me. I have also heard it referred to as "My Place"
  6. I take a bath. My husband suggests this when I can't seem to calm down. When I'm on edge for hours and can't work through it. I take a bath with Epsom salt and Serenity essential oil. Sitting in the bath smelling the fragrance helps me to physically release what I have been emotionally working through. 
  7. I do a Body Scan. I read a book by Jon Kabat-Zinn and in it he describes how to start at your toes and slowly relax every part of your body. I do this when I'm in bed trying to fall asleep and can't due to anxiety. There is something similar called "Robot" I have heard about.
  8. Belly breathing. I have done this in yoga and found it helpful, however I just read that it helps to watch your belly as you do it. To see how you control the air going in and out. Watch it go up and down with your breadths. I need to try this. 
  9. Distraction. This used to be my first go to tool, thankfully it doesn't have to be. I found that distracting myself just seemed to push the anxiety deeper within me and it would then create anger on the outside as I struggled to keep it together on the inside. However, I just read of a new suggested distraction technique I am going to try ... saying the alphabet backwards.
In the case of my shopping experience today, I really panicked. I was in a crowded store and unable to deal with what I was feeling. I did belly breathing and tried to distract myself. Then when I got home I smelled my vetiver and prayed. When I have a rough experience that affects me for hours I feel I have to "reset" myself. For me this is taking a shower, bath or nap. This gives me a fresh start from my fear.

What helps you to ground yourself? Have you tried any of these?

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Book Suggestion: Believing Christ by Stephen E. Robinson


 (image borrowed from Deseret Book)

My husband suggested I read the book Believing Christ. I had read it several years ago, but needed to read it again now - with what I was struggling with and trying to heal from. The book is wonderful but two quotes stood out to me and touched me.

1) "But only at [the] point when we finally realize our inability to perfect and save ourselves, when we finally realize our truly desperate situation here in mortality and our need to be saved from it by some outside intervention - only then can we fully appreciate the One who comes to save." (p33)

My whole life I had aimed to be "perfect". When I did something mostly perfect I considered it a failure, and if by chance I did succeed in perfection I considered it as only acceptable.  A huge lesson I learned was that we are here on this Earth to learn. We are not expected to be perfect. In fact our Heavenly Father knew we couldn't be. That's why Our Savior gave himself as ransom, so we could learn and grow and improve. Through an instantaneous decision to repent, or pray for help, through the Atonement our whole life can change. This is an incredible blessing. I am more grateful for Christ and his love this year then I have ever been.

2) "In mortality, the Spirit and the body are two separate entities forced to coexist in the same person. The mortal connection between them is both recent and temporary, hence the wrestle and fidget with each other. But in the resurrection the become one thing." (p20)

I loved this quote as it made sense to me. I hate how I cannot stop the way my mind and body reacts to a perceived threat - the terror and anxiety I have from my trauma. But I have come to understand it is doing what it feels it has to, in order to protect me. And this "wrestle" between what I want my body to do and what it does is going to happen the whole time I am here on this Earth. It's part of the lesson we are to learn. So instead of hating my body and mind, I need to strive to understand and work with it. It will not be perfect while on this Earth, but I know it can get better.

Have you read this book? What did you learn? What books help you heal?

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Book Suggestion: The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk


 (image borrowed from amazon.com)

My favorite book on trauma is The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing from Trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. . I have learned a lot about myself and others by reading the pages. I have also felt wonderful validation and confirmation to my need to heal. He discusses many different types of healing techniques which I have never heard of. This book helped push me forward to seek out these resources, and if not found, create them. Some "other" types of therapy include:

-EMDR
-Yoga for Trauma Survivors
-PBSB Psychomotor therapy
-Alpha training
-Theater

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the book. Please read it.

- "...if you lack a deep memory of feeling loved and safe, the receptors in the brain that respond to human kindness may simply fail to develop...If that is the case, how can people learn to calm themselves down and feel grounded in their bodies?"(p142)

-  "...the imprints of traumatic memories are organized not as coherent logical narratives but in fragmented sensor and emotional traces; images, sounds and physical sensations." (p176)

- "If the problem with PTSD is disassociation the goal of treatment would be association; integrating the cut-off elements of the trauma into the aging narrative of life, so that the brain can recognize that 'that was the, this is now.' " (p180)

- "If their history is not known then they are likely to be labeled as crazy or punished as criminals rather than helped to integrate the past." (p182)

- "If you have been hurt, you need to acknowledge and name what has happened to you." (p232)

- "After a while most people with PTSD don't spend a great deal of time or effort dealing with the past, their problem is simply making it through the day. Even traumatized patients who are making real contributions ....expend a lot more energy on everyday tasks of living than do ordinary mortals."

- Healing from trauma includes:
  1. Finding a way to become calm and focused.
  2. Learning to maintain that calm in response to images, thoughts, sounds or physical sensations that remind you of the past.
  3. Finding a way to be fully alive in the present and engaged with the people around you.
  4. Not having to keep secrets from yourself, including secrets about the ways that you have managed to survive. (p204)

Have you read the book? What are your thoughts? What books help you?

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

My Thankful Journal



Some days it felt impossible to go on. I felt completely alone, beaten and worthless. What kept me going was my Thankful Journal. I'm not sure how I got the idea (maybe related to the song "Count Your Many Blessings"), but I am very thankful for it.

Even during the darkest times of trying to move on from the trauma I experienced, I would force myself each night before bed to write in my Thankful Journal. At first I made myself write three things. It was incredibly hard. I would sit staring at the page feeling I had nothing to be thankful for. After several days of sitting and staring at a blank page, I started to be more aware during my day. I would take a mental note of the goods in my day: a light turning green when I needed it, a test getting pushed back or a pretty sunset. Then, when I could regularly write down three, I challenged myself to five, then ten, then to fill the page.

It has been 9 years since I started doing this. And it is what helps to keep me going. The days I don't write in it, I feel it. I am grateful for so much and writing it down helps me recognize it, and hold onto it a little longer. I need these memories of blessings to strengthen me and support me through tough days of healing.

I am thankful for this trial of PTSD and all that I am learning about myself and others through it. I have learned that I matter. That my pain is similar to those around me, although we may feel it for different reasons. With the Lord's help I can move forward through this and find some joy everyday. I am so thankful to now know what it feels like to be loved and have eternal worth. I pray we can all someday feel that.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Why I'm On Medication



The thought of taking medication for my depression and anxiety terrified me. I had questions like:
  • Would I act different?
  • Would I be stuck in a fog?
  • Would I be able to be spiritually connected?
  • Would this define me for the rest of my life?
My husband and I talked about the possibility often as my anxiety attacks happened more frequently and lasted longer. Each time he said it was up to me, whatever I felt I needed. I didn't want to need medication.

I figured that if I just worked harder I would be okay. I meditated, I exercised, I prayed, I got up early, I went to therapy, and I got a little better. Instead of a panic attack debilitating me for a whole day, it only lasted a couple of hours.

But one day my therapist had a health emergency and couldn't see me. That was enough to knock me fully flat again. I had thoughts of suicide, I wanted to hurt myself, I felt worthless and unloved. I cried curled up in the dark on the floor. I wanted my life to be over. It was frightening how quickly the horrible effects of depression and anxiety came back. It scared us both.

After talking with my therapist, she told me how I was always in "fight or flight" mode. My husband bought me an FitBit Charge for HIS birthday so we could monitor my heart rate. From the moment I left the house until I went to bed my heart rate was over 100 every day. Not due to exercise, but because of my anxiety. My therapist told me that for us to be able to "work" I'd need to be able to talk about my rape experience without becoming hysterical, which I couldn't.

My husband and I talked and decided that I needed help. I went to a doctor who listened to my concerns and worries. He prescribed Lexapro. Within two weeks the shaking inside of me stopped. By 6 weeks the constant replaying of my rape trauma in my brain stopped. It was the most free I had ever felt. For me it was the right thing to do and I consider it a huge blessing in my life.

I know that medicine is a blessing from our Heavenly Father when used properly. I also know that we are all different - while certain things work for one person, it wont for another. I know I needed this and I am very thankful for the help it provides me in my life. It didn't cure me, but gave me enough peace to allow me to better work on healing me as a whole, instead of everyday just trying to survive.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Activity Suggestion: Take a Bath with Essential Oils

I hate baths. I always have. I think a part of it was that I was never relaxed. My mind was going everywhere, it just seemed like a waste of time. Recently I have changed my mind though. With the help of anti-anxiety medication my mind isn't always in fight or flight mode. I can sit. I can relax.

My new favorite way to relax before bed is a bath with Epsom Salts and a few drops of Serenity from DoTerra. I can feel the tenseness in my body flow away and I can just be at peace. It's really amazing. And after my first bath with it I knew I needed more and have decided to be a consultant as I see the wonderful help these oils have been for me. My favorite scents from DoTerra that I have used to help me:

Serenity - For in my bath to create a time of peace and relaxation
Vetiver - When I am extremely anxious I smell it and put some behind my ears to calm down
Whisper - I like the smell of this one, and it helps calm me down

Do you use essential oils? Which ones help you?

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Book Suggestion: Wherever You Go That is Where You Are by Jon Kabat Zinn

 (image borrowed from Goodreads.com)

A friend of mine who counsels trauma survivors suggested the book by Jon Kabat Zinn Wherever You Go That is Where You Are. I found it on YouTube (although I can't seem to anymore) and listened to it while I cleaned and ran. I really enjoyed it. He teaches mindfulness, and how to be present in the moment. It made sense to me. Here are some of my favorite points I learned:
  • Right now are the best moments of your life. Be present and aware of them.
  • Behind impatience is anger.
  • Let it go. Stop resisting and struggling ... consciously release it.
  • Be complete in the moment without seeking anything else.
I've learned that I dissociate almost constantly. It's my survival mechanism. Instead of being here in the now I'd rather be planning or thinking about the future. That is because I just can't deal with the here and now. It's too much. I feel like a failure, I'm afraid and I feel worthless - why would I want to be "here"? I didn't realize I was doing this though until a therapist mentioned that I should try to see, smell and feel things around me. I quickly realized that when I was focused on the thoughts in my mind, I couldn't see, smell or feel. I was dissociating.This book helped me overcome that by giving me tools and exercises, which I am very grateful for.

In his book he gives several examples of meditation. My favorite was the walking meditation. I could do it while on the go. Being aware of every footstep, how my feet felt touching the ground. How my body connected and moved with each step, and then controlling that step. Moving slower and more deliberate, owning that step. It was really neat. (I'm sorry I couldn't find an example of it online to share)

Another favorite is the body scan. I do this before bed when I can't seem to calm my mind. I try to feel every piece of my body and release the stress I am holding.

Have you tried mindfulness or any of Dr. Jon Kabat Zinn's books? What helped you?

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Song Suggestion: Blessings by Laura Story

 

At church last Sunday I got there a few minutes early. I heard my wonderful friend rehearse this song "Blessings" by Laura Story with her husband. Then I got to hear it as part of our Sacrament service. This song touched my heart and brought a smile to my face. By validating my feelings and having understanding to my pain, I felt peace - I am seen, I am loved and I find hope.

My favorite lyrics:
When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?

And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What songs bring you peace?

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Talk Suggestion: An High Priest of Good Things to Come by Jeffrey R. Holland

(image borrowed from lds.org)

Whenever Elder Holland speaks I am filled with peace and love. The Spirit touches me and I know that what he says is true. There were several statements that he made in this talk that spoke to me and touched my heart. Things I needed to hear to continue on with hope. 

Here are my favorite quotes:
- "Every one of us has times when we need to know things will get better. Moroni spoke of it in the Book of Mormon as 'hope for a better world.' 2 For emotional health and spiritual stamina, everyone needs to be able to look forward to some respite, to something pleasant and renewing and hopeful, whether that blessing be near at hand or still some distance ahead. It is enough just to know we can get there, that however measured or far away, there is the promise of 'good things to come.' "
- "To any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope, I say: Hold on. Keep trying. God loves you. Things will improve. Christ comes to you in His 'more excellent ministry' with a future of 'better promises.' He is your 'high priest of good things to come.' "
- " I testify that ... They sustain us in our hour of need—and always will, even if we cannot recognize that intervention. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. "



Did you watch the video? What touched you?

Friday, November 20, 2015

I Needed EMDR Therapy

 

I never went to therapy until college. I moved away thinking that college would solve my problems. What I didn't expect was how helpless I would feel when I would receive troubled calls from home and there was nothing I could do about it. The stress of family followed me to college and compounded. A friend recommended that I go see a therapist. I went to the university counseling center for a couple of months and was grateful for someone to talk to.

It was the Spring of my Sophomore year when I experienced my rape trauma. Months later I was referred to a psychologist because I couldn't sleep due to my nightmares. She didn't ask about my nightmares, just gave me medication to sleep. The first dose level only trapped me in my nightmare, I couldn't wake up from him repeatedly raping me. Then she gave me a stronger dose so I wouldn't dream. I had panic attacks and extreme PTSD symptoms, but no one saw it. I didn't know what I was experiencing, I thought I was crazy.

Over ten years later my PTSD symptoms came back incredibly strong. I read in Confronting Abuse: An LDS Perspective by Horton, Johnson and Harrisson that it is common for memories of trauma to resurface between the ages of 30 and 50. This helped me to understand that I was "normal". And further reading allowed me to better understand me and what happened: "Recognition of past abuse allows victims to heal and stop blaming themselves. Recognition allows them to become better partners and parents, Recognition provides an honest understanding of the past and allows a person to live more fully." (p15)

I realized pretty quickly that I needed help. I went to two different therapists who used Cognitive Based Therapy, among others, but I wasn't getting any better. It was nice to be listened to and supported, but my symptoms were debilitating. I spent months on the waiting list for the EMDR Rape Trauma therapist at The Center for Women and Children in Crisis. In the meantime I attended group therapy and LOVED it. It helped me with little things I could do to look at my situation differently but I still had a gaping hole within me.

It wasn't until I met with the rape trauma therapist, realized I had PTSD, was told I was constantly in crisis mode and put on medication that things started to change. My therapist uses therapy tappers for me to hold and keep me present while I work through the horrible memories I have from my past. At the end of a session I can feel a tangible change in me. Memories that would cause me to burst in to tears at the first mention now no longer cause me physiological pain. They still suck but do not haunt me as they have,

I have a long way to go and I know that now, but I am grateful that my eyes are finally opening to the truth. Even though it's incredibly painful. I am grateful for EMDR therapy and how it is helping me heal from the horrible trauma I experienced.

John 8:32 "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."

Have you had experience with EMDR therapy? What has helped you?

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Why My Rapist is Free


I want this blog to be a place of education, inspiration, support and uplifting. This post is darker than I'd like it to be, but it's truth. It's reality and it needs to change. We need to be that change. So I beg you to read, to understand the truth, and to help in someway to make the problem better for me and others.

Why is my rapist free?

It's NOT because it didn't happen. Two police reports, several therapists and friends will testify to the truth of the mental, physical and emotional torture he put me through. My testimony itself should be enough evidence against him.

It's NOT because what he did isn't a big deal. In my particular case, with the SVU Detective in 2015,  he was recommending multiple felony counts of rape, kidnapping and burglary. If only one of the many many crimes he committed against me stuck, he would be in prison for 15 years to life. And the PTSD I suffer from the violence against me in 2004 directly affects me and my health today in 2015.

It's NOT because I didn't go to authorities. I went twice. Once in 2004 and again in 2015. I pushed through my case being dismissed TWICE for statute of limitations in 2015. I fought hard. It was an extreamly painful experience for me and my family. But through it, for me, I got a piece of "me" back. And the best was having a police officer believe me, and then validate that what I experienced was rape. That was huge for me and my healing.

It's NOT because he isn't a threat to the community. My therapist, the SVU Detective, and the County Prosecutor all agree that I was probably not his first victim, and would definitely not be his last, as he got away with it. He was excited by my pain. He would laugh as he called me names and tortured me. This man is now practicing medicine and a high school athletic coach.

So why is my rapist free?

The prosecutor told me that there are two questions he has to answer before he can take a case to court:
  1. Do I believe it happened?
  2. Can I win in court?
In my case he said there is no question that I'm telling the truth. But regarding the second question ... it's a no. He said the defense attorneys would rip me apart. They would open my therapist records and try to show I am emotionally unstable. He said that he has had victims commit suicide in the past after being questioned by defense attorneys. He doesn't think I could go through it unscathed.

Then the prosecutor said that even if the jury believed my story over his, the jury wouldn't understand why I didn't get away and tell a police officer when I had the chance. He said juries have an idea in their head of what is a "normal reaction" to rape and don't understand that everyone reacts differently.

So here's the truth of why I didn't leave and get help:
  1. I had no where to go. I had no idea of any community resources or that I would qualify for any help. I was 18 and away at school.
  2. I was scared to death of him. I was just trying to survive and do my best not to make him "angry" so he wouldn't hurt me as bad.
  3. I didn't have definitions to hold on to. I didn't know that rape was what I experienced. I had no idea about dating violence. He told me over and over how I deserved what he was doing to me. That it was my fault. With no information to contradict him, no outside support, I believed him.
The third reason the prosecutor said he wouldn't take the case is because we didn't have a recorded confession. Confessions are nearly IMPOSSIBLE to get in rape cases, but he noted a case he had the previous month which he lost. In that case he had a recorded confession. He said "Hailey if I have a recorded confession and the jury doesn't believe it there's no way I can try your case without one." He said after the case ended he asked the jury about the confession and was told that they believed the perpetrator was just saying he raped her to make her feel less guilty about her immoral sexual behavior.

We Need A Change

One thing I want to make very clear RAPE IS NOT SEX. It's torture. Sex is an act between two people - Not one frozen in fear, begging for the other person to stop, or fighting to get away. The first time he raped me, he drugged me. He removed my clothes while I was unconscious. That's not sex. The second time he broke into my apartment and after a physical confrontation I froze in fear when he wrapped a hand around my throat ... I did not participate. He used me as a possession and broke my body and soul.

Here's what I feel needs to change:
  1. Stop referring to rape as sex. It's not sex. It's torture.
  2. Abuse victims need to be publicly supported by EVERYONE. Especially universities and public officials. We need to be clear that victims are not responsible for what was done to them and they deserve help.  
  3. The justice system needs to put rapists in prison. Rules need to be set in place to protect victims from being purposefully re-traumatized. Rape is a felony and is NEVER excusable or okay. Laws need to be set in place to protect and support victims of this incredibly personal crime. 
  4. We need to widely educate the public on different types of abuse and the feelings that can come as a result of that abuse. A lot of victims understand that "something bad happened to me" but don't have the terms to be able to ask for help.
  5. Make getting help for victims rounded and more complete. This includes legal, spiritual, physical, emotional and other life support services. Everyone needs to be trained and understand what victims needs are.
  6. Healing resources need to be created and widely available for healing. It takes a lot of time and many different resources to put a broken soul back together. And every person is unique so there needs to be a wide variety of resources. i.e. yoga, dance, horseback riding, service opportunities, art therapy etc.
  7. Provide simple steps to obtain help. Right now it's too hard. You have to have the term "rape" or "abuse" to ask for help. There needs to be a number you can call or text or a place you can go to talk to someone without feeling you have to PROVE you are a victim. I believe a victim advocate hot-line or something similar would be helpful. You can just call to ask for help, even if you don't know what help you need. But they will know. 
I have hope that things can improve. And that through sharing truth we can change the hearts of many and reach out and support the healing of victims of sexual assault and abuse.

What do you think needs to change? How can we make the system better?

Friday, November 13, 2015

How Yoga and Dance Helps Me Heal From Rape

When I was raped, I was torn apart. I saw my body as the enemy. I wrongly believed that my body had failed me. That it had somehow tempted my rapist into hurting me and that it didn't fight back enough to protect me. I didn't know then what I know now ... that it was HIS choice to rape me. He had planned it. And my body did it's best. Whether it was from being drugged the first time, freezing in panic the second or submitting later in order to survive ... I did my best.

One thing that I can't seem to fix without active help is the connection between my brain, body and soul. It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself "It wasn't your fault," I still blame myself. It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself "My body isn't bad," I still feel that way. While therapy has been huge to help heal these connections, I need to be able to practice loving myself and my body. And what's really important to me, is to practice in a safe place. This is what these Healing Yoga and Dance classes at UVU have been for me.
The classes are conducted by Destiny, from Shauntea Health and Wellness, a licensed yoga instructor trained to help victims of sexual assault.
 
She plans the class with specific restorative poses to help release and overcome pain from sexual assault. I love how she warns me and supports me as I experience emotions and pain that arise. Destiny is also a Modern Dance teacher and uses her special training in African Dance to provide fun full body dancing. These dances have pushed me to trust my body, to let go, and to just have fun.

Another element that helps me feel safe is that UVU has provided a therapist from their Student Health Center to attend these classes. At anytime I need a break, or to go talk she is there to help. Just having her present has allowed me to let down my walls and let my emotions flow. Because I know if it's ever too much, she's there.

The first class in September opened my eyes to how much pain I carry in my body.  This time I breathed through my anxiety. We held a pose that made me incredibly anxious. While laying on the mat I began to panic that I would again be attacked. The feeling was so overwhelming but Destiny talked us through it. She told me what to expect and then to breath through it. It took time but my mind and body came together and I was able to calm down. This was a huge moment for me, a person who feels helpless by anxiety. In the end I was able to feel peace. I have really enjoyed these classes and look forward to many more!

If you are interested in knowing of our upcoming events please contact me and I will email you. Have you found yoga or dance helpful to you?

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Song Suggestion: Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song) by Amy Grant

As I started to really deal with the aftermath of my rape head on I felt completely alone. I felt doomed to a life of misery and utterly broken. One day I heard "Breath of Heaven" by Amy Grant and the words touched me as they never had before ...

"I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now
Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy
Breath of heaven"
This song gives me strength when I have none. It reminds me I am not alone and that through a simple prayer I can feel my Heavenly Father's love. It's truth always touches my heart as few songs can do.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Book Suggestion: Small Steps: The Year I Got Polio by Peg Kehret


 (Image borrowed from Peg Kehret site)

Having so many triggers has greatly reduced what I allow myself to be exposed to. My avoidance level is extreamly high. However, I read an article that discussed how Bibliotherapy can help us heal. This made sense to me. Reading about a fictional or nonfictional character overcoming tough obstacles creates hope and strength mentally within me. I really wanted to try this but couldn't find a book list specific to PTSD from rape (anyone want to help me create one?). Thankfully I stumbled across the book Small Steps: The Year I Got Polio.  I loved it. 

It's not about rape! But it's about courage in hard times, suffering from wounds that were be no means "deserved" and coming out stronger. She was scarred, but stronger for having gone through it. This book really taught me how my pain is very similar to others. The pain is the same, but the cause of it may be completely different. This allowed me to see the pain in others, my pain reflecting in their own pain. I was able to connect as I never have before.

Some of my favorite quotes:
1) "When I began to write about my polio days, long forgotten memories bubbled to the surface. I was astonished by the intense emotions these memories brought with them. Those months more than any other time in my life, molded my personality." (p10)
2) "I am not, I decided, going to lie here and be helpless for the rest of my life. I'm going to fight." (p34)
3) " 'I'm proud of you for working so hard.' That's all he said. That's all he needed to say. The words of encouragement changed my behavior far more effectively than the therapists scolding ... I wanted not only to please him, I wanted it for myself. If I had to stretch my muscles in order to walk again, then I would stretch my muscles, no matter how much it hurt." (p58)
4) When thinking about what other children her age were concerned with (being liked, clothes etc.) she said "Now none of this mattered. I had faced death. I had lived with excruciating pain and with lonliness and uncertanty about the future." (p67)
5) "Trying to get along in the normal world was too hard. I still needed more help than my well-meaning family could provide." (p118)

Have you read the book? What did you think?

Friday, November 6, 2015

Movie Suggestion: Inside Out

(Image borrowed from IMDB)

My husband suggested Inside Out to me. He said that it showed him why sadness is important. With my PTSD I am extreamly sensitive to many triggers and have avoided music, television and books for months. Thankfully with my new therapist and medication things have slowly changed. However, I still have to be careful. I was grateful that he suggested it. After watching it I felt that they got it right, and hopefully it'll help some people allow themselves to feel and others to allow people to feel.

For over ten years I have numbed myself emotionally after the rape. The pain was too much so I burried it within me. But one day I realized I couldn't hide from it anymore. I desperately wanted to feel love, and when I numbed I numbed everything - not just pain. To feel joy and love, I needed to feel pain. At one point after I began to stop fighting the flashbacks and let myself remember, my husband said to me "Why are you doing this to yourself?! You're in agony!" But I knew I had to. I had to remember and feel the pain so I could let it go.

I think this movie illustrated this concept in a great way. It even showed why my ability to be creative ... anything but numb was impossible. I was always in a state of survival, that's all that could function since I shut other emotions off.

My favorite line in the movie is "They came to help ... because of sadness." And for me this too was true. I have learned that by feeling my pain and sadness I needed help. And I reached out for it. I also have learned to appreciate my tears and the healing effects they have. By allowing myself to feel pain and experience sadness, I then open the door for joy and love.

Have you seen the movie? What are your thoughts? Did you see truth in it?

Talk Suggestion: “Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard Time” By Elder Cook

 (Image borrowed from lds.org)

I watched the talk "Hope ya know, We Had a Hard Time" By Elder Quentin L. Cook the other night and really appreciated it. I felt I related more to it than I thought I would. He points out a prayer in Doctrine and Covenants that Joseph Smith offers. I found it very similar to some of my own prayers at times:

"...O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them?

Let thine anger be kindled against our enemies; and, in the fury of thine heart, with thy sword avenge us of our wrongs." (Doctrine and Covenants 121:3&4)

And the Lord answered him: "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment..." (Doctrine and Covenants 121:7)

I'm so grateful Elder Cook reminded me of this scripture. Our time here on earth is limited. Even if I suffer from PTSD for the remainder of my life, it's not all eternity. The Lord's time is different than my time.

I find it funny how I mentally assign an end date to my suffering and other's too. Like somehow I have control or knowledge of when things will be better. But the reality is I have very little. This talk reminded me of the woman healed from the blood ailment in Matthew 9:20-22.  She was faithful and was healed, but it took 12 years of suffering to get there. The Lord's "small moment" may be days, years or a lifetime, but it will not be eternity. This gives me strength and hope. I can do this.

Some of my favorite quotes from this talk are:
1) "We are all subject to the conflict between good and evil and the contrast between light and dark, hope and despair."
2)  "Whatever the source of the trials, they cause significant pain and suffering for individuals and those who love them."
3) ... “there is no grief, no pain, no sickness so great that the Atonement of Christ and the love of Christ cannot heal.”





Did you watch the talk? What stood out to you?

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Song Suggestion: Glorius by David Archuleta

I have listened to this song a lot since it was released. It has brought me a lot of hope. Hope that I have a purpose and am needed. That I can do something, even very tiny, to help someone else. Hope that my efforts and desire wont be wasted, but be useful. That my evil rape experience can be used for good. Hope that this world can be good.

My Definition of Rape

My Personal Definition of Rape:
One thing that really bothers me is this misconception that rape is rough sex. Let me clear this up right here and now. Sex is a physical act that two people want to engage in together. Two people who BOTH decide to participate.

Rape is TORTURE not SEX. It is using another person as a possession and leaves them less than they were. It's ignoring another's voice and wants, enslaving them. It's horrible and tragically glamorised by society.

During rape the victim is either frozen in fear, begging for the person to stop or fighting to get away. Does this sound like sex? Does this sound like a fun experience? It's torture that leaves traumatic scars spiritually, physically and emotionally. Victims need support and rapists need professional help to understand people are not possessions.

My legal definition of rape:
When a person has sex, including oral sex, with another person (any penetration) without the victim’s consent. This applies between married individuals and a victim who is unable to give consent for any reason.   (U.C.C. 76-5-402 and 76-5-406)

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

It Wasn't Postpartum Depression



I thought being a wife would solve all of my problems. My husband would vow to support and love me, and I would be safe. I would instantly be loved and full of joy. But when that didn't happen I looked to having a baby. If I have a baby then I will instantly be full of love. But that didn't happen either. I thought these life experiences would fill a void within me and when they didn't, I felt more helpless then ever.

When my baby would cry I would feel like my body was being torn in half. Every tear shed was a testimony to my failure as a mother and an expression of why I didn't deserve love. My inner pain was unbearable. To deal with this my brain would give me flashes of me stabbing myself or walking into traffic. This was how my mind was dealing with the intense internal pain, by giving me a physical way to feel it. The thoughts frightened me, the pull to do them was real.

As years passed some times were better than others. But every day I struggled with yelling in frustration at those I loved. A suggestion on how to improve dinner, a child forgetting their homework, or seeing a dirty bathroom all were registered as further proof of my failure as a wife, mother and person. Feeling like a failure brought pain, then anger to cover the pain and then guilt for my angry outbursts. It was never ending, and excruciating.

It wasn't until I realized one day, in group therapy, that the feeling of being worthless, a failure and unlovable goes back to my childhood and rape. I found an article linking postpartum depression and abuse, although for me I knew this was more than postpartum depression. A child telling me that I forgot to wash their uniform would bring a feeling of helplessness and failure that I had experienced before. And in my haste to stop the feeling I would angrily shout saying they should have reminded me sooner. Blaming them for what was my mistake. Hurting them for pointing out something that I "failed" at.

Things for me didn't really click into place until I was diagnosed with PTSD and I realized that in order for me to be happy in the present I needed to deal with the past. Being raped at 18 has a direct impact on my feelings as a wife and mother now. It's all connected. And as I have started to work on the memories through EMDR therapy and with medication, I can see a huge change in my life. I have gone days without yelling at my kids. It's no longer a defense mechanism, I don't need to protect myself from their tears or frustrations. I have learned that those are their feelings, not mine. My job as a mom is to help them through their experiences, not to prevent them from happening. If they cry it's because they are sad right then, and need my help. It's not because I'm a failure.

I have also learned that I feel the love of others after I learn to love myself. If I don't feel worthy of their love, it doesn't matter how hard they try, I wont let myself feel it. I've had to learn that I'm not perfect, I am who I am right now and that's okay. I'm what God made me and with His help I can always be better.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Article Suggestion: Don't Run Away by Jennifer Grace Fallon

"Don't Run Away" by Jennifer Grace Fallon

 
I read this article in the September 2015 copy of the Ensign magazine. In it the author courageously explains the fear of living with a heart disease that almost killed her siblings. She describes feeling the need to be more, to accomplish some incredibly huge task while she has the ability now to live. That dying without this is her greatest fear, in essence she doesn't have value without it. She describes learning eternal truths like Psalm 56:4 "In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me." As well as 2 Timothy 1:7-9:

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God; Who hath saved us, and called us with an holy calling, not according to our works, but according to his own purpose and grace, which was given us in Christ Jesus before the world began,

While being a rape victim is incredibly different than living with heart disease, I believe the pain and fear are remarkably similar. In my case anyway. I fight the daily need to be more, because I have felt so broken and inadequate with what being raped left me with. It has taken a long time for me to see that I have innate worth and purpose. And while I fight the real terror of my memories and the fear of anyone else being raped, I have slowly begun to let it go. I do this by putting my trust in God and letting that push out the "fear of what flesh can do unto me." 

This has not been easy for me, and has required spiritual guidance as well as professional therapy. Because, I fight with the reality of how do I trust a God that let that man violate me that way? But what I now know is that my rapist made the decision to act as he did, it was his choice and his alone. God did not do this to me, my rapist did. In those horrible moments I know I wasn't alone, God was with me, and He has been supporting me ever since. 

Call for Suggestions

If you have ever been sexually assaulted I would love to hear from you. I want to know what helps you heal. For me the process is very long and full of layers. So at one time I needed one thing, and at another something different. We are all unique and our stories are incredibly personal. Which is why it makes sense that our healing would be too.

Please share with me what books, articles, talks, music, programs, activities etc. that helped bring you peace and allowed you to connect with your inner spirit. You can tell as little as or as much as you'd like to about your trauma. You do not need to prove to me or anyone else that you were assaulted. I would love to share your ideas on this site and can publish them under your first name, first initial, a pseudonym or just as "Anonymous Survivor." You tell me.

For me, writing about my healing has pushed me to continue working hard to be whole. It has also helped me better see the specific ways in which I have grown and healed. For example, how I now feel love as I never have before. And how I find joy where I never did before.

Thank you for wanting to share and make someone else's life a little better, and their pain a little less. We truly do need each other to be "willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light ...[and to] mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..."(Mosiah 18:8-10).

Please email me at hailey(at)activist(dot)com

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Talk Suggestion: Like a Broken Vessel by Elder Holland

When I was diagnosed with PTSD I thought my life was over. I had felt broken for over a decade, but being officially declared as such was too much to live with. But my husband was instantly relieved at the diagnosis. I didn't understand his reaction at all. To me my life was deemed forever ruined because another person had raped me. But to him it was information. It was the name of the inner dragon I had been battling. He saw it as a step closer to healing.

I greatly appreciate my husband's reaction as I have learned that education on rape trauma and PTSD brings understanding of myself. Being able to see my everyday battles like flashbacks, anxiety attacks, constant fear and avoiding people on a symptoms list actually made me feel more normal. I'm not crazy. I'm going through a really hard time right now. Now I know I can, and should, ask for help.

Elder Holland gave a talk in October 2013 titled "Like a Broken Vessel" discussing the mortal challenge of mental illness. When I initially heard the talk I didn't realize that he was talking to me. Now years later I have listened to it with that knowledge. My heart fills with gratitude to know such an amazing man and apostle of the Lord is on my side.

Some of my favorite quotes are:
1) "If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. "
2) "Patiently enduring some things is part of our mortal education."
3) "Though we may feel we are 'like a broken vessel,' as the Psalmist says, 10 we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter."
4) "Until that hour when Christ’s consummate gift is evident to us all, may we live by faith, hold fast to hope, and show 'compassion one of another'... " 13
  
This talk reminded me that by trusting in God I can make it through. I may have to fight this trial the rest of my life, or I might not. A miracle might free me from the pain. But no matter what, I will keep pushing through. I have already been blessed by many small mercies like finding a wonderful EMDR Trauma Therapist and an anxiety medication that took away the inner shaking that I constantly had. I am getting better and I know that this fight is worth it. I won't give up. Don't you give up!



Did you watch the talk? What touched you? How do you feel about PTSD?

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Book Suggestion: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft


This book was recommended to me by a family therapist friend of mine. The first thing I loved about it is that it's written by a man who has worked with thousands of abusers. And in each case he not only conducted therapy with the abuser, he had personal contact with the victim. This allowed him to see the whole picture and see how manipulative some people can be.

In his book he describes how some men (and women) like to control others. That this is done through tactics such as threats, put downs, controlled outbursts, physical attacks etc. He describes how common it is for a victims to bring up the fact that they were hurt, then it to get twisted around by the abuser who says you deserved it because of something you did. The reality is that what occurred was abuse. In a healthy relationship your partner would care that they hurt you, not brush it off or blame you for it.

While this book dealt very little with sexual assault, I appreciated the insight into the manipulative male mind. There were so many times my rapist made me feel crazy, and would blame me for the torture he inflected on me. "Well if you hadn't ... then I wouldn't have ..." or "I never hit you" as I was covered by bruises he gave me by other means.

He also describes how abusive men tend to be publicly liked and admired. They also come from every walk of life and a childhood of abuse is NO EXCUSE for abusing another. In fact a person who has felt the pain of abuse should NEVER want to inflict that on another.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Web Video Suggestion: How to Practice Emotional First Aid by Guy Winch





I was shown this video in group therapy at The Center for Women and Children in Crisis.  At first I hated it (this is a very common response for me) because I thought my trauma too deep, too painful and too personal to be remedied by compassionate inner talk. 

But he gives an example that changed my mind. He tells a story of a woman going out on her first date in years. She meets the man at a bar then he cuts the date short and leaves. She's really hurt and calls her best friend for support. Her best friend says something like "Well, what did you expect?! Your old and fat and who do you think you are wearing that dress?!" I was shocked! How could a friend say something like that when she was so clearly hurting?! Then Guy Winch pointed out that this is how we talk to ourselves. This really hit me. If I wouldn't talk to my friend (or even a stranger for that matter) with my inner dialog, why am I talking to myself like that? No one is going to love and support me like I can. I need to be my best friend, not my worst enemy. 

I appreciated this video as it made me realize the power of my thoughts and inner dialog. I need to think loving and supportive thoughts about me, because I deserve and need it. We all do.