Why I'm On Medication

The thought of taking medication for my depression and anxiety terrified me. I had questions like:

• Would I act different?
• Would I be stuck in a fog?
• Would I be able to be spiritually connected?
• Would this define me for the rest of my life?

My husband and I talked about the possibility often as my anxiety attacks happened more frequently and lasted longer. Each time he said it was up to me, whatever I felt I needed. I didn't want to need medication.

I figured that if I just worked harder I would be okay. I meditated, I exercised, I prayed, I got up early, I went to therapy, and I got a little better. Instead of a panic attack debilitating me for a whole day, it only lasted a couple of hours.

But one day my therapist had a health emergency and couldn't see me. That was enough to knock me fully flat again. I had thoughts of suicide, I wanted to hurt myself, I felt worthless and unloved. I cried curled up in the dark on the floor. I wanted my life to be over. It was frightening how quickly the horrible effects of depression and anxiety came back. It scared us both.

After talking with my therapist, she told me how I was always in "fight or flight" mode. My husband bought me an FitBit Charge for HIS birthday so we could monitor my heart rate. From the moment I left the house until I went to bed my heart rate was over 100 every day. Not due to exercise, but because of my anxiety. My therapist told me that for us to be able to "work" I'd need to be able to talk about my rape experience without becoming hysterical, which I couldn't.

My husband and I talked and decided that I needed help. I went to a doctor who listened to my concerns and worries. He prescribed Lexapro. Within two weeks the shaking inside of me stopped. By 6 weeks the constant replaying of my rape trauma in my brain stopped. It was the most free I had ever felt. For me it was the right thing to do and I consider it a huge blessing in my life.

I know that medicine is a blessing from our Heavenly Father when used properly. I also know that we are all different - while certain things work for one person, it wont for another. I know I needed this and I am very thankful for the help it provides me in my life. It didn't cure me, but gave me enough peace to allow me to better work on healing me as a whole, instead of everyday just trying to survive.