Why My Rapist is Free

I want this blog to be a place of education, inspiration, support and uplifting. This post is darker than I'd like it to be, but it's truth. It's reality and it needs to change. We need to be that change. So I beg you to read, to understand the truth, and to help in someway to make the problem better for me and others.

Why is my rapist free?

It's NOT because it didn't happen. Two police reports, several therapists and friends will testify to the truth of the mental, physical and emotional torture he put me through. My testimony itself should be enough evidence against him.

It's NOT because what he did isn't a big deal. In my particular case, with the SVU Detective in 2015,  he was recommending multiple felony counts of rape, kidnapping and burglary. If only one of the many many crimes he committed against me stuck, he would be in prison for 15 years to life. And the PTSD I suffer from the violence against me in 2004 directly affects me and my health today in 2015.

It's NOT because I didn't go to authorities. I went twice. Once in 2004 and again in 2015. I pushed through my case being dismissed TWICE for statute of limitations in 2015. I fought hard. It was an extreamly painful experience for me and my family. But through it, for me, I got a piece of "me" back. And the best was having a police officer believe me, and then validate that what I experienced was rape. That was huge for me and my healing.

It's NOT because he isn't a threat to the community. My therapist, the SVU Detective, and the County Prosecutor all agree that I was probably not his first victim, and would definitely not be his last, as he got away with it. He was excited by my pain. He would laugh as he called me names and tortured me. This man is now practicing medicine and a high school athletic coach.

So why is my rapist free?

The prosecutor told me that there are two questions he has to answer before he can take a case to court:

1. Do I believe it happened?
2. Can I win in court?

In my case he said there is no question that I'm telling the truth. But regarding the second question ... it's a no. He said the defense attorneys would rip me apart. They would open my therapist records and try to show I am emotionally unstable. He said that he has had victims commit suicide in the past after being questioned by defense attorneys. He doesn't think I could go through it unscathed.

Then the prosecutor said that even if the jury believed my story over his, the jury wouldn't understand why I didn't get away and tell a police officer when I had the chance. He said juries have an idea in their head of what is a "normal reaction" to rape and don't understand that everyone reacts differently.

So here's the truth of why I didn't leave and get help:

1. I had no where to go. I had no idea of any community resources or that I would qualify for any help. I was 18 and away at school.
2. I was scared to death of him. I was just trying to survive and do my best not to make him "angry" so he wouldn't hurt me as bad.
3. I didn't have definitions to hold on to. I didn't know that rape was what I experienced. I had no idea about dating violence. He told me over and over how I deserved what he was doing to me. That it was my fault. With no information to contradict him, no outside support, I believed him.

The third reason the prosecutor said he wouldn't take the case is because we didn't have a recorded confession. Confessions are nearly IMPOSSIBLE to get in rape cases, but he noted a case he had the previous month which he lost. In that case he had a recorded confession. He said "Hailey if I have a recorded confession and the jury doesn't believe it there's no way I can try your case without one." He said after the case ended he asked the jury about the confession and was told that they believed the perpetrator was just saying he raped her to make her feel less guilty about her immoral sexual behavior.

We Need A Change

One thing I want to make very clear RAPE IS NOT SEX. It's torture. Sex is an act between two people - Not one frozen in fear, begging for the other person to stop, or fighting to get away. The first time he raped me, he drugged me. He removed my clothes while I was unconscious. That's not sex. The second time he broke into my apartment and after a physical confrontation I froze in fear when he wrapped a hand around my throat ... I did not participate. He used me as a possession and broke my body and soul.

Here's what I feel needs to change:

1. Stop referring to rape as sex. It's not sex. It's torture.
2. Abuse victims need to be publicly supported by EVERYONE. Especially universities and public officials. We need to be clear that victims are not responsible for what was done to them and they deserve help.  
3. The justice system needs to put rapists in prison. Rules need to be set in place to protect victims from being purposefully re-traumatized. Rape is a felony and is NEVER excusable or okay. Laws need to be set in place to protect and support victims of this incredibly personal crime. 
4. We need to widely educate the public on different types of abuse and the feelings that can come as a result of that abuse. A lot of victims understand that "something bad happened to me" but don't have the terms to be able to ask for help.
5. Make getting help for victims rounded and more complete. This includes legal, spiritual, physical, emotional and other life support services. Everyone needs to be trained and understand what victims needs are.
6. Healing resources need to be created and widely available for healing. It takes a lot of time and many different resources to put a broken soul back together. And every person is unique so there needs to be a wide variety of resources. i.e. yoga, dance, horseback riding, service opportunities, art therapy etc.
7. Provide simple steps to obtain help. Right now it's too hard. You have to have the term "rape" or "abuse" to ask for help. There needs to be a number you can call or text or a place you can go to talk to someone without feeling you have to PROVE you are a victim. I believe a victim advocate hot-line or something similar would be helpful. You can just call to ask for help, even if you don't know what help you need. But they will know. 

I have hope that things can improve. And that through sharing truth we can change the hearts of many and reach out and support the healing of victims of sexual assault and abuse.

What do you think needs to change? How can we make the system better?