Some days it felt impossible to go on. I felt completely alone, beaten and worthless. What kept me going was my Thankful Journal. I'm not sure how I got the idea (maybe related to the song "Count Your Many Blessings"), but I am very thankful for it.
Even during the darkest times of trying to move on from the trauma I experienced, I would force myself each night before bed to write in my Thankful Journal. At first I made myself write three things. It was incredibly hard. I would sit staring at the page feeling I had nothing to be thankful for. After several days of sitting and staring at a blank page, I started to be more aware during my day. I would take a mental note of the goods in my day: a light turning green when I needed it, a test getting pushed back or a pretty sunset. Then, when I could regularly write down three, I challenged myself to five, then ten, then to fill the page.
It has been 9 years since I started doing this. And it is what helps to keep me going. The days I don't write in it, I feel it. I am grateful for so much and writing it down helps me recognize it, and hold onto it a little longer. I need these memories of blessings to strengthen me and support me through tough days of healing.
I am thankful for this trial of PTSD and all that I am learning about myself and others through it. I have learned that I matter. That my pain is similar to those around me, although we may feel it for different reasons. With the Lord's help I can move forward through this and find some joy everyday. I am so thankful to now know what it feels like to be loved and have eternal worth. I pray we can all someday feel that.
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