When I Was Drugged ...

I was 18. He was my first boyfriend, and then my first ex a few days before the incident. He asked me to go for a drive to talk. The first thing I realized was that my words sounded funny. He had asked me a question, and my answer didn't sound right. Then my body felt really heavy. I couldn't push his hands away. Then my vision went black. I came to a couple of times and didn't understand what was going on. My mind frantically thought "How did my clothes come off?" and  "I didn't want this!" and "I would have stopped this before it got this far ... what do I do?!" I didn't understand why my memory was in pieces.

I woke up in the back seat. Then he pulled me out and pushed me into my apartment. He told me "You're a sinner. God hates you and no one will ever love you." I believed him. I blamed my body for failing me and for not stopping him.

I didn't know I had been drugged, and I didn't know I had been raped. I freaked out when I realized "He had sex with me!" But I didn't know rape could happen from someone you knew so I didn't have that term to help me. It wasn't until months later that I learned what rape really was. And I didn't realize I had been drugged. It wasn't until this past year when I started allowing myself to replay the memories that I had buried for over a decade, that I had something to compare the feeling to. The feeling was similar to waking up after having my wisdom teeth out. I was heavy. I could hear what was going on around me but not physically respond. My memory was in pieces. One moment I'm in the recovery room, the next they're putting me in the car to go home. Like that night ... one moment he had me in his lap, the next I'm in the back seat.

As I begun to research more about drugged rape I found a list of symptoms of being drugged. This helped me to realize that it was NOT my fault. My body hadn't failed me. I didn't want sex, let alone with him. He had prepared ahead of time to rape me. This was the first moment I started to let go, a little tiny bit, of the shame and self guilt that I had heaped upon myself. It was his plan. I absolutely remember the soda he brought me, and the weird taste it had.

Since researching this I have learned two important things regarding date rape drugs:

1) There are many date rape drugs out there. And according to the SVU Detective that helped me, they still can't all be detected because there aren't tests for all of them.

2) If you are drugged, while urine and blood tests are best to find the drug in your system, you can use hair analysis to prove it. Even years later. It has to be done usually through a private company, but I wish I had known sooner so I could have had it done for me.

The good news is that public perception is beginning to change. Information and support is becoming more readily available. Also, those that are first responders to victims and beginning to learn more about the trauma a victim experiences and better help. I believe that everyone needs to know definitions of sexual crimes and have easy access to help. Through the love and support of victims we can stop rape.

What have you learned about date rape drugs? Do you think you would be able to tell if you were drugged?